Male Phobia
Sunday, May 29, 2005
  Worlds apart
A whole night, Radiohead, Bjork and Garbage, to accomplish the project of displacement. My far away but so close world has fallen apart. The past one, though still exists now, will be disappear soon. I've uploaded most of its content in this blog. There are reviews, academic writing and private content yet to upload. Reading the past entries, over a hundred of them, I've been well experiencing a lot during the time of writing blog. I've been writing poems, and stopped writing love poems; translating poems, and explaining Chinese Buddhist scripts; went to London film festival, and stewarded in student cinema; theoratically adopted feminism, but practically failed to be an independent person; being vegetarian for about 5 months, and meanwhile reduced the intake of alchol to minimal minimal; fancied Ewan McGregor, read the Buddha, admired Foucault, studied Adorno, and revised Marx; meditating, philosophing, arguing, solacing; skepticised, suspected, depressed, agonised; spending a lot of money, then went on a budget; and loved. There are many stories and feeling hidden behind the words that I can still tell what they were and how I felt at that time. Sometimes, even the music I listened to, the weather outside the window, and the smell of the room at that moment was vivid. Most of them are sad, or only with little hope. Peter the other day said to me that normally people write a lot when they are angry or sad. I am, most of the time, a both angry and sad young woman. And it's true I wrote particular lot at times. But it's sunny today. The morning sky looked not so glaring for a while, when I could stare at it and depict the movement of the cloud. There was only one piece of cloud on the piece of sky I could see. Now it is broken into parts. But it's a sunny day, although not neccessarily a brand new day. The world around me is a familiar one, not totally used to accept new events. Any tiny new reception will hurt the already twisted centre of this world. But it's a sunny day. And there will be a sunny tomorrow, perhaps. Maybe in Australia, it's even sunnier.

It's gonna be so sunny that I will feel sad to be sad, so maybe I will just wait and see how my worlds fall apart, and I guess the broken pieces might as well be very pretty.
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I hate the sun when it shines. The warmth and the bright light immediately put a giant frown on my face. I associate the sun with painful burns, brightness and annoying reflections. I prefer the darkness and the rain and the cold.

But why does the sun make you sad?
the sun doesn't allow me to feel sad... it is the norm that under the sun you should appreciate it... when I can't, i'm abnormal
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