Male Phobia
Sunday, April 23, 2006
  L and M
Every once in a while there is someone jumping down the gap, then the tube flashes by, then he disappears.
I believe I have seen L on that Metropolitan line train. The seats were covered by purple flannel, spotted, I was stitting on one of these and L was standing not far from the sliding door. L was stamping his feet. He wore a pair of heavy Nike basket ball shoes. I was in my ipod world, the Pixies was very loud, pumping against my ears. But I could hear L ranting. I dared not raise my eyelid to look at him. Because you know, all the city safety brochures advised you to avoid eye contact with someone you consider as dangerous. L made me feel threatened. One night, L approched my friend. O, I forgot to say she is a beautiful chick. It was the same Metropolitan train, L was always on that train. It was very dark. In the winter it always got dark quite early, you know, like 3 or 4 o'clock in the afternoon. So it was not that late after all. He was sitting right opposite her. But there was only the two of them in that carriage. She was, like me, in her ipod world. L liked that sort of looking, volunerable but determined. He tried to approach her. He said,
'Babe, would you come home with me tonight?'
He was just murmuring.
She was, like me, having really loud punky stuff in her headphone. But there was only the two of them in the train. He repeated it, again and again, all through the way from Baker street to Harrow. She was, like me, avoiding eye contact. She managed to get her boyfriend picking her up in Harrow.
L was sitting firmly on that purple seat, he watched his fairy going away with his murmuring going on till Ruislip, where he got off the train, and, sort of aimless wandering.
L didn't left a note. He didn't know what to put down. You know, normally, some young boys, like the Japanese one, would burst into crying on his note to his mommy, with something like,
'I am not confident!'
L didn't have that sort of thing. L found it difficult to put down interactive words.
I can never imagine what a person like M would look like. He is reported to be 58. I think he was in love with this girl he hid in his apartment, whose body was later found by his brother. M's mind was filled with the beautiful face of that girl, her wounded body, her slender waist, her vagina ripped open (looking like a tomato too ripe that it bursts open), her long black hair that spread all around her body and scattering in every tiny corner of the apartment,
'She is my love of life, I want to go to where she is now.'
Under his feet he felt a sudden emptiness. Vaguely his felt his ankle hurt, but not really, his mind was somewhere else.
M can be any 50 something looking men I saw on Metropolitan, Central, Circle, Piccadilly, something like that. I don't know, really.
Friday, April 21, 2006
  J and K
We switched on iTunes. He tried to make a new playlist. Music to embrace him and me. I said,

'No no, I love Lou Reed, but it is not the music for you and me...'

It was the music he played, she said to herself.

'I don't like Lou Reed anyway.' He said to himself.

He put on some Aerosmith. She did not know how to decline his choice again, so she frowned and endured.

So I reserved the frown in my mind and I endured.

'I don't like Aerosmith' I murmured to myself in my mind.

Some orange setting-sunshine leaked to the room through the windows, it spreaded evenly on my tommy where he pillowed his head. The music flew, time goes away like water. Then the summer breezes sneaked in, the room was filled with chilling fresh air. It's time to get dressed and go.

'Ok I have to go.' He said, he meant it.

'Have a nice journey home!' I said.

That was the only English phrase I knew besides saying goodbye.

'I must have been stupid.' She said to herself.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
  G and H
I was 15, she was 21. We talked about marriage, we said:

'Maybe we can only go to the Netherlands.'

Is it the Netherlands or the Neverland?

I am 21, she is 27. I look a bit older, the baby fat is reduced, and the pair of eyes filled with some stories. She looks the same, after a while she stopped to grow up, except that she is married. We talked about marriage again, she said:

'It's like my single life, we met every weekend and tidy up the new apartment, and then we went back to our own places.'

'You will need to move together with him, eventually.'

'Hmmm, scary...'

25 was the year she dramatically changed and stopped changing. First time in two years we met. No baggy jeans, no afros, she looked really proper, with a flowery summer dress, no less sexy than ever, just the wildness refined. She said:

'I will get married. It's like a es muss sein, es Muss sein.'

At the time she had a handful of boyfriends, but never enough love.

Marriage is, for me, my old lovers marry someone else, I think they are someone good, and my life is lightened with the reducing of those unforgotten loves when the responsibilities gone to someone else's hand.

We became real friends, without worrying about love. She asked me:

'Will you wait till I get old to come back to see me again?'

I said no:

'You will never grow old. People I loved never grow old. We will have a grrly punk band, dream a little dream together, just like the old times.'
Friday, March 17, 2006
'You know, I'm no good at this, but it's worthwhile to try...'

Looking at him in confusion, I tried to kept that smile on my face, partly because I couldn't understand his English - he swallowed every tail of the consonants.

He was upset to see me confused, then he said:

'You know, you are beautiful, in Italian they say £&$*£^£%£...'

As he had already told me for over ten times in the past fifteen minutes. I didn't know how to respond. On the first round I replied as the text books and my English teachers told me:

'Thank you!'

But 'thank you' offended him:

'C'mon, you know you are beautiful, what the fuck you thank me for?'

What was I supposed to say then? 'Yes I know'? That would nonetheless be a lie, I never really know, and I tried not to tell lies.

So I chose to just smile and looking at him rather blankly as if I don't understand English again - that is indeed the best strategy I could think of to turn down all sorts of strange foreign men trying to make conversations: the loud football fans, the overly huggy kissy cafe owner, random person making comments on my underwear etc. etc. I have developed a male-phobia over the time. I've tried to avoid talking to them as much as possible. As a result, I don't even ended up having any good male friends. Well, that's not too big a problem.

But this man continued murmuring beside me, eventually it started to make no sense to me at all - I got annoyed, and my mind drifted away. After all, he was just a person happened to sit beside me on the bus. Why he bothered to say:

'Let me take care you. '
'I will take good care of you.'

And the rest I didn't understand, maybe he didn't know what he said either. Somehow I managed to understand one more utterance:

'You know I'm like a normal guy, I go to the pub and get a larger...'

Yes, the rest I didn't understand.

On such an early March night, so cold, everybody had a thick coat on and only involved in their own little worlds. He sat next to me, with only a single layer on, shelvering, nose-running and talking to me. He smelt complicated: it's a blend of alcholic puke deposit (very remote and frozen, seemed to be saved from last month or even more ancient), wet mud, hospital and flesh left unwashed for so long.

This bus journey became a torture. I got impatient and quite angry. Why should he chat to me? Why talking nonesenses? I couldn't wait to get off and be away from him.

But why couldn't I understand?

In principle, I should have talked with him loudly and happily with laughters, digging up as much personal information as I had been curiously concerned:

'My name is John, I had been an average lad as the ones you could see everywhere on the street till I got hooked up with heroin ten years ago, my life got fucked up since then...'

As stereotypical as that.

We then may take a date together, I will buy him a pint of carling to warm him up, looked into his deadly eyes, and then both of us start to cry.

What scared me off?
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Rebecca is so old. Her face is neatly folded lines after lines, pale and loose.

Rebecca travels with central line on Saturdays - all the way through West Ruislip to Epping. This route must have been extended, today she thought, it's like travelling across the country. She remembered well that time, when she was 21, she travelled from the south coast - the sunny hilly southern countryside - to somewhere in the north with that newly built railway, it was travelling by a rocket, terrificly fast. It took less time than this journey, she sank into comtemplations. The clock in her head stopped working a while ago, for maybe ten years, maybe twenty years, maybe more. Don't ask Rebecca about time. Time is nonesense for a 92 years old.

The broadcast must have said something, is it Epping yet? Rebecca made an attempt to stand up, she leant against the railing - painted red and solid. The train is trembling, Rebecca was like a fallen leaf, dry and light, she swang and swang with the tempo of the train; but keeping the body balanced is not a problem for a skillful elderly.

What is this young man murmuring about? A well-built business-man looking guy was trying to find out where Rebecca was off to. To let an old woman standing on an unstable train aimlessly seemed quite a dangerous thing to do. He looks tired, poor young chap. I'm off to Epping. So the man led her to sit down again. The train started off when Rebecca tried to settle down in the tricky seat. The power of inertia threw her off down quite easily. That body hit the hard substance of seating, and sank into it, without a slight bouncing back.

The train was gradually getting packed as it approaches to the city centre, but no one sat next to Rebecca. Rebecca doesn't mind at all, she can't be bothered to shout out the kindly words 'please sit down next me', standing up and swinging is not a suffering for them, none is to Rebecca herself.

She is so happy. Rebecca needs no reason to be happy. When the hair covered by snow, face carved by age, and bones dragged down by the gravity, the heart becomes light and fears there goes away with the concept of time.

That Chinese young woman sitting opposite looks confused and sad. She has a long time to realise that life is but a tube journey appreciating flickering landscapes in the sunshine, enduring fear of darkness in the man-made tunnels, and finally getting used to and rid of both so as to achieve the bliss.

Everyone went off at Loughton, three stops before Epping. The carriage is left only Rebecca, there she sits softly and happy, her hair finely pinned, two different shoes worn on feet, her handbag is comparatively new, her eyes are as deep as the Loch Morar.

It's a journey never stops and never ends.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
So let's call him Georgio, like all the other stereotypically Mediterranean men are called. But hold on a minute, don't link him to those erotic Latin lovers just yet. He's a serious man. He goes to one of the most pretigious university in the world, and his mind is stuffed with complexities - full-headed, and all the time. For example, he listens to the professor so attentively that he even forgets to spare some space for the late comers who want to sit beside him - which definitely looks very impolite in an obsessively polite country where his university happens to locate in. Another example will be, he never really turns his head left and look at the Oriental girl sitting next to him. I wouldn't mention it if she is just one of those mundane university babes. She is of course, a stunning brainy beautiful who you can tell just by looking at her. Georgio never looks. Of course it's not racism, everybody loves oriental beauties, and their skin colour is out of the question of sex. Moreover, Georgio is not only a good student, he is also a critical one - he's the only one dare to question the professor who is the most acclaimed in the field at contemporary age. Professor took inspirations from his questions.

Yes, this is Georgio whom I don't know much about.

One day Georgio wrote an email to me, while he didn't know he was writing to the person sitting in the darkest corner of his classroom and never even dare to fart, let alone make a voice.

Georgio writes:

Hi there, I've always had this thing for Oriental women. I sit next to an Oriental babe in my workplace, I have always been eracted for that particular time when I m next to her. I think you are sexy, too. Do you want to drop a line at 07**********, I'm sure we will have great fun. A little bit about me: I'm 5ft20, Mediterranean, and I am very passionate... (<-50 words omitted here) The picture attached is not the best, but you get the idea, please reply with more pictures.

(Ten days ago I put up a mischevious personal ad with a half naked Japanese porn start picture online, replies have snowed my mailbox since.)

Georgio showed his penis, and his belly is quite folded up with fat, he is hairy, he looks desperate, his eyes lost with lust, the lipsline which was always tighten up in the lectures got tightened up a bit, he is not sexy at all in the picture, just as he usually is in the lectures.

So this is the Georgio I know.

I never fancied Georgio.
Friday, December 23, 2005
  An old entry - Ivonne
In case I will lose it with my crappy computer, I decide to publish it here.


Long black hair flows down her shoulders, straight and shining. Shapely breasts under her low cut V collar, forming shadow between the undulations. Her waist is slender, and her bums firm. She’s one of those very hot Chinese girls that you can’t help to stop to observe her even when you are catching your bus that is about to go. I met her in a gay bar. She flew back from Paris that morning. Somehow I found her smile matching my stereotype of France, sweet but a little bit sorrow is looming somewhere.

She was surrounded by a group of cute gay guys. They were forming a group to protect her from the crowd, so that she could release the hottest dance in the dancing ground. When she danced, her smile was sweet; but when she stopped dancing, the smile dimmed down. Most of the time when she rested in the sofa, she rested in her gay friends’ arms, as if, they were her real boyfriends.

Although she knew that they could never be her real boyfriend.

Her boyfriend is French. Maybe we can call that her ex-boyfriend. I’m almost sure that he’s a very cute guy, though I’ve never seen him. She said he was bi-sexual. She fell in love with him at the first sight. But he could never be sure of his options. One week before she came back, he finally decided to try this relationship.

Three months are too long for a newly developed relation. It’s not half as sweet as the sorrow Shakespeare experienced. She got a little bit tipsy, and the alcohol made her despair. Delusions rushed to her head. Images of his sleeping in bed with some blurred faces screened in front of her eyes like black and white films. She wanted to get rid of these awkward pictures. So she drank more and more. Those never helped. When we made the next stop Karaok, she collapsed into tears with those awful love songs we sang. Pop music is designed to be the salt to the wounds. Strangely many people make it the first option to cure the pain from breaking-ups.

Perhaps it’s the French way of relationship that when two people are not in one place they break up. She was adapted to the French way. But when she came back and became a Chinese girl again, her Chinese heart made her cry. Many of the girls sitting there that day had similar experiences. When Ivonne cried, they all looked down.

Ivonne is the only name I know that sounds French, so let’s call her Ivonne.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
  S and SS
12 o’clock midnight, S and SS decide to stay up in this huge Karaok suite. They are having problem to find the key in singing the songs. It’s not that they don’t sing well – they have been in there for hours and hours so now they have run out of the songs in charge. S tries to explain to SS that she stays here not because she’s sad, but just for the Kubrick decorating style of this Karaok building. SS argues that filming colourful backgrounds is also the characteristics of Greenaway, and she knows S never likes Greenaway. And she wins this round. S’s colourful facial expression immediately becomes grey, so she grabs the half bottle of beer she left on the desk two hours ago, and starting to drink the slightly soured liquid one more time. S never drinks alcohol, but her face is somehow very grey as well, so she can only grab the micphone again and to sing this song she never sings before in a very loud way as if she’s the pig under the butcher’s knife.

The music video played on the huge TV screen is one of those love stories that the heroine sadly got incurable disease and she left the hero in misery for the rest of his life. It’s a fashion to film the music videos like that. Such fashion was started by the Koreans. This video copied the style and changed the song for a little bit, and remodelled the pattern to a local setting and with local casts. Both the song and the music video sell very well. Such fact evidently tells that men hope their girlfriends to be gone forever after a short happy period, so that they can have both fierce love and freedom. And women like the illusion that they would, in such way, be the only most important person in their beloved’s life. Unfortunately neither S nor SS can give up their life for the unsuccessful relationship they encounter. However, S is a little bit better than SS because she never stays with men over night, whereas SS never sleeps at home when she has a boyfriend. This, at some extend, helps men to recall S time from time. But SS’s boyfriends only remember her when she calls.

They are surely getting bored of the endless list of songs on the screen. But both of them know if they leave this room the sadness will be endless. Staying with the Karaok, at least they can read the lyrics, from which they learn the misery of the others. From what S learns not only herself alone in the world is suspicious of the sexual behaviour of the boyfriend travelling away alone. From the same stuffs SS learns not only herself alone in the world broke up with a boyfriend who then have a next girlfriend much prettier than her. They learn to get happier from the failure of the others, the delusional others.

Before they came to this huge room of Karaok, S had a big meal. She always eats a lot when she suspects her boyfriends. The pain of suspicion scratches her heart so hard that she hopes eating would make her heart stronger. SS never eats a lot when she breaks up with her boyfriends. She watched S eating like crazy.

S and SS are very good friends. They agree that the cruellest torture is loneliness, so to live without a boyfriend is not less cruel a torture. They lose their spirit when the boyfriend is mentally or physically away. They are such city girls that the only ways to reduce the pain of jealousy is the city entertainments – either disco or Karaok. And they share same morality that girls shouldn’t dress up too sexy. On the way to the Karaok, they criticised the sexy ones like crazy, as if the sexiness intoxicated their eyes.

When S and SS fall into an embarrassing silence where the music stops and they are running out of the topic of boyfriends, S gets a call from the mobile phone. Her target of suspicion comes back and he waits for her downstairs of the building. S is temporally released from the pain. SS stays. She knows her boyfriend will not come over there.

The night keeps on making the two girls busy. S is going have a lot of sex. SS is going to read more lyrics about the other female losers.

This is my LAST blog entry here. The network is a bit strange here – I can’t view the entries and the comments. But I think I will keep on writing the girl’s portrait series. If there’s anyone who happen to read this blog from time to time and want to comment or even read more, please email me at

I’m a bit unmotivated from blog writing these days. Since things I write are not expecting big publicity, it seems better to share them with myself and my friends. Things look simpler that way.

Thanks for your concern on me and my writing. See you at the funky sky!

Sunday, July 17, 2005
  Destination tonight: take… take… take me to the Gay Bar!
Night life is one of the best parts in Beijing. Pubs and bars on average are not decorated as posh as the ones in Shanghai, but there is such a huge amount and variety here to compensate. There are archaized pubs along the banks of Houhai canal. In a typical summer night, willows would swing with the breezes, and tourists are brought to different pubs by the pedicabs groups after groups. This is the very heart of Beijing – Houhai used to be the very fond garden of the Chinese emperor. But if you think the tempo is too slow here, there’s always another centre of night life – Sanli Tun. Loads of pubs and disco bars are piled along the sides of the two streets of Sanli Tun, most of which are decorated in modern and westernised styles. If you find the price of drinking reasonable, it’s always an ideal option to have a bar crawl here. However, pubs in Sanli Tun might be too much alike from one to another, so there are a lot more choices scattering around the city of Beijing. The bar we went to tonight is one of the most popular gay bars in Beijing recently, called Destination, located near the west gate of Stadium of Workers (Gongren tiyu chang). Mentioned on the name of the stadium, I just realized it is still after a Communist fashion, but things around this building have changed so much and become very much liberated from that ideal reign: the very expensive and privileged Henessy club that only rich people can afford to go, Mix and Vics in the Eastern Gate of the Stadium that cater mostly the music taste of the former enemies, and Destination which serves for this group that people were ashamed to mention about twenty years ago. Anyway, although having been told that Destination is very popular, it took us quite a fuss to find out where it is. An odd outlook it has, looks like an iron box – very difficult to distinguish from the tide of the night. We arrived quite early that we were almost the first two to sit down in the bar. But we didn't wait long, these beautiful boys rushed in after a certain time. Cindy even found a boy from Changsha to accompany her train journey travelling back. They all guessed we were lesbians. Well, lesbianism is quite a fun game to play, too. After several good dances with the boys, we left the sweaty house, and what met us first was the crowd of boys who are waiting outside. Last time when I went to another gay bar called OnOff, the crowd was as big. So I wasn’t surprised. Both of them are crazy bars, just Destination is smaller, but more intimate. So if you come here to see me, and want to have a night out, be careful, I might take you to the gay bars!
Monday, June 27, 2005
  A vegetarian in Changsha
My dad was shocked, and my mom was quite happy. The fact of me being a vegetarian certainly isn't easy for a traditional meat-eating Chinese man like my Dad to accept. Neither did my meals in Beijing go well. I was starving being mixed with non-vegetarian people. I could only have vegetable leaves everyday, that was far from enough for somebody who has a big stomach as mine. I didn't have the appetite for the flight food. And I was right. They had only got beef rice and chicken noodles. I had a bum instead. The chilli sauce they provided was not bad though. And I have to say, Hainan Airline has the best service and aircrafts among domestic Chinese airlines. It is highly recommended, if you are flying from Beijing to Changsha, Changsha to Haikou, or Beijing to Haikou. It always flies Boeing 767-300 aircrafts - you've got a personal TV screen and quite nice fruits. They've got an extrodinary variety of fresh fruit juice as well. They have good looking steward/esses and not like those from other airlines, they smile a lot. Most impressive for me this time, is that they provided very warm and immediate disable assistant!

Anyways, back to the topic of being a vegetarian. After all the encountering of poor vegetarian food and my Dad's objection for me to be a vegetarian, I didn't give it much hope to have a good dinner after all, though the temperature here had dropped to 25 degree after a heavy rain. My parents took me to this place literally translated as 'Delicious food street'. It is an indoor resturant, but sold food in a style as if you are in a night market. Out of my expectation, my parents ordered me loads of very delicious, hot, spicy food. I had red oil bean curd, agaric salad, stewed aubergine, pad Chinese ;), stinky tofu, steamed pumpkin, steamed taro and some others. I'm so full now, for the first time of the past few days, and I can't really jump around with my left foot only now - there are too much to carry!

This is my first time stepping into my city being a vegetarian. And this also the first time I saw my parents after they divorced. All seemed alright! After all I realized this is my city - the city of food. Whatever option you hold, as long as you like spicy food, it's the heaven to you! And these are my parents.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
  It's raining now!
It's raining now! It's reported that tomorrow the temperature will fall down to 27 degree, in Beijing. Tomorrow, I gonna go back to Changsha. Isn't it ironic? Actually, it doesn't make any change to me whatever the weather is like. My broken foot has kept me in door for days. And there's gonna be no way that I will go outside from the 5th floor in Changsha for the following week, no matter how cool the weather is. Well, the weather in Changsha can never be cool in the summer anyway!

I know I've been moaning for a while - I have no reason not to - I can't even access to browse this blog here. I can only update the entries blindly! However, I'm still quite excited to go home. Especially the fact that I will meet the challenge to jump up five floors single-footedly.

I think I need to pull myself together now and try to do something. Otherwise I will only waste the time that I'm imprisoned indoor with the broken foot. A woman's will can not be imprisoned by and of the external obstacles. Especially when the woman is strong and the external obstacle is weak!

Well, I haven't totally wasted my time here in Beijing though. I had two friends visiting me. One brought some nice Waxberries

and some Hagen Daz icecream. Enjoy summer indoor is not too bad after all.
Friday, June 24, 2005
  About a flying penguin
After 12 hours priority of disability, KLM finally sent me in Beijing International Airport quite punctually at 8:40 in the morning. The disable assistant in Beijing Airport is not as swift – we waited for more than one hour till we got around the luggage collection point. The Beijing assistant was cute – looked about 18, and he is in his one year internship in the airport. However, he was not very helpful – Sean lost his consigned luggage. Sean was very depressed after all the hassle I made him this journey. For me, air travelling is as frustrating as usual, though my current disability did brought me privileged services in most of the place.

When we changed hour flight in Amsterdam Airport, there was this minibus serving for us. It was super quick, and the driver, a strong built mix looking guy, was very skilful. He led the clumsy vehicle going through the thickness of people in the airport like a wind. I tried to learn how to say ‘thank you’ in Dutch, but then made him thought I wanted go to the toilet. As usual, my language skill is not improved as time going.

I was then put in the waiting room for about three hours. Sean went for shopping. The Amsterdam airport seemed a vast land for a one leg penguin. So I didn’t go anyway except from the toilet. I was the only one in the waiting room for a while. Two huge aircrafts were resting outside the glass. One was on my left hand side, one on the back. It was then I noticed that the one standing right behind me was the one that going to take me back to China. I would then say a long goodbye to England and Europe. I didn’t realize that I was flying away on the way to Birmingham, and from Birmingham to Amsterdam. I was enjoying the new experience of being a disabled, and forgetting about all the excitement of going home and the melancholy of going away. There was this moment when it turned silent in the airport, when I could only here the broadcasting of flying away, then I felt sad. Sad because I know it’s hard to go back, and I don’t know what to look for in the near future. But then when the people rushed in and filled in the waiting room, everything was back to the business, so was I. A book of cooking and food could put me in my own little neverland. It stopped me from being sad or excited.

All was like a dream, when I finally arrived in the hot pot of Beijing. The temperature of 40 degree made it looked even more surreal to me. Mosquitoes are attacking me, so I have to switch on the air conditioner to keep them away. The penguin is melting in the heat of Beijing! At least they prepared good vegetarian food for me. And I strongly believe that my foot will get better tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
She's setting off back to China on Thursday, that's within three days. She has seldom spoken to me during the four years since we got to knew each other. Tonight she sent me a message saying that she wanted to take a photo with me. I was so honoured because at least I worthed to be stored in her photo album.

I know her little. Most stories about her I know are through gossips. Her crush on the ladykiller, her affair with a bartender, her current British boyfriend... the net of gossip is so powerful that none of her emotions are saved from getting into my ears. So when she led me to her room, I knew her little, but I felt I knew her all.

Her boyfriend took the pictures of us. He's very shy. He didn't introduce himself, he didn't make any noise when he changed the angle of shooting, and he didn't say goodbye to us when he flahsed back to his place. She didn't want to talk to me about him either. All I know about him is that he's good at playing cricket, and he bought her a television. All the other negative information I know about him is from the gossips: he stalked her, he was overly jealous, in order to see her after one of their breaking-ups he spreaded the news that he had gotten cancer. Very intense love/attachment, that he had for her.

'I will leave him my printer after I'm gone back to China.' She said. Tenderly tenderly she spoke, as she always does. That's a way of speaking we always associate with girls from the south Yangzi River area. We call that little voice and soft language of Wu, and it used to be a virtue for girls to pursue, although it's quite old fashioned these days. But she never changed the way she speaks, no matter when she tried to say cao in Beijingese or f**k in English. Tenderly tenderly she said them, as if they were some sort of impursuable power.

The night when she started to mix those words in her language I was coincidently with her. Not the whole night, it happened I was there the moment when these words firstly bursted out of her soft soft lips. We were having a party that night. We, as in me and my normal social circle. Not really anyone of us were good friend with her. All of a sudden, a girl staggered in, with a glass of red wine in her right hand. Red wine, that is, I remember very vividly, as if the hint of redness is about to soaked out of my memory and flood out from my temple. It is the beautiful glass she held, I think, made the redness of the wine so obvious and memoriable under the condition of two candles' light. 'Drink with me, anyone?' she had that sort of drunker's stammer. She was drunk. Then she said the word cao! She left. Didn't come back to that room that night. That's my impression of her.

At some point I started feeling very melancholy. This girl, who seems very little related to me, has been in my net of gossip, encountered me in one of her important step towards growing up, and she just took one goodbye picture to me. When she flies back on Thursday to the vast land of China there's not many ways I can see her walking around with any of her boyfriend, arm in arm, looking happy or sad; there's not many ways that I can hear her speaking softly softly and bursts into those funny swearing either.

I think in the photos, we looked two happy close friends.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Clair has a chubby face. Everyone says she's cute in her babyfat style. She has very small eyes, small nose, and small mouth. Just her face, it is as round as a birthday cake. Everybody says that's lovely, like a plump baby. But Clair makes twice as much effort as her friends to get a date. And these dates lasts only half length as the other girls. Her exboyfriend was a popular cute guy among their community. But Clair didn't know these popular guys don't spend too much time on one girl, her exboyfriend in particular. So when he broke up with her, she was still in the facination of getting the chance to go out with him. Her exboyfriend Leslie was nothing special but a mundane teenager girls' idol, who dyes his hair blonde, and makes all sorts of poses to seek attentions. Clair is no teenager, but all her friends was on about this guy. These friends she then fell out with. These vain girls. Phew! Clair scorns them deep in her heart. But she never said so, never dared her. These vain girls have not only chubby face but also big breasts and fat legs. Nevertheless all these are covered under Louis Vuittons, Vivine Westwoods, and Chritine Diors. No one notices that these vain girls are actually the fat ones. No matter how many times Clair tells them: Katherine is a slut, Elaine is a bitch. No one believes her. Glared by their glittering make-ups of Anna Sues, Chanel, and Esteelauders, no one can believe the truth Clair tells. Clair fell out with them, at the same time her exboyfriend broke up with her. She still doesn't know he had a good laugh with them about her. He said, Clair might be a beautiful girl too, if she slide her eyelid to make the eyes bigger like you did, Katherine; she might be grabbing my heart too, if she's got a grinded chin as the one you have, Elaine. Last night, it was Clair's birthday. No one she invited turned up. All of them were in a party Katherine and Elaine co-held. The party wasn't great. It was just one of those gathering you get a few drinks and get to tell a few dirty jokes. Whereas Clair had prepared a great party with oriental buffet and a specially decorated Karaok VIP room. Clair doesn't know all the people, all the lifestyles she longs for only get on with Katherine and Elaine. They have rich parents. Clair buys Louis Vuittons and Anna Sues too, just for the accessories, that's all she can afford. She has made up her mind to go to Korea to have a professional cut on her eyelid this summer. Sadly, she can never change her parents. She can only look for a bright future. Now that she has graduated from this place, and for the next place she gonna turn up in, she's gonna be the most glittering girl of them all. This time, Clair is so determined.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
  This girl, and her mobile phone
Since I lost my phone charger, I've been using this other girl's phone. For quite a long time during my occupation of it, I was very often annoyed by the amount of msgs she stored in her phone memo, which limited the amount I could save my exboyfriend's sweet words. However, I had never been very curious in the content of the msgs. Not till today. This morning I was deleting the msgs my ex sent me. I was doing it respectfully - not just click 'delete all', but in a 'view - delete? - yes' style. As if it's some sort of ritual to bury away the fading relationship. But anyway, I thought it was rather painful, so I decided to do something naughty in reward to my being brave. That's why I started reading her msgs. Her phone book was unloaded, so I had no faintest idea who was sending these things for her. One thing I was sure about is that one in three of those 165 messages are from different senders. And I'm almost sure they are all her wooers, wooers from different cultures that writing English in different ways. According to their messages, she's this sexy honey working in KFC and wear tiny sleepingtie when she goes to bed, and she has nice bum. And nothing more than that, surprisingly repetitive among the variety of competitors. All of those mentioned features I know - she's my best friend. I feel more familiar with her than any guy on the msg list. I think that's why they apologise so much, because they have no idea what they are talking about, who is that girl they are talking to, so they panick when she replied whatever that were not expected. Do they know she could feel the despair of death when her breasts are fondled? Do they know she locked herself in the room for a week after one of her ex left her? Do they know she used to compel herself to vomit all the food she ate? Do they know she likes to stay in dark with the dim light of her lamp even when it's a bright sunny day her closed curtain kept her away with? I guess they don't. But they just go ahead and beg for her love, saying same words and following same rituals - goodnight before bed, good luck before exams, booking important dates and so on so on. Obviously, she had this heavy traffic during Valentine's day. When I was out dining with my only boyfriend, she was headaching to decide which one to go with, and more importantly, how to orientate the traffic so that there wouldn't be a single accident. Now sleeping somewhere with one of her long term boyfriend, she's trying to unplug her computer in order to make it unaccessable for this boyfriend, so that he won't find out her email account is jammed with other sweet words. These email are from her fiance. Yes, she's engaged as well. Her map of relationship is so complicated and so eventful that it is amazing how she has managed it so well - All the competitors are so far so obsessed to be sticked down in this spidernet. This super girl has absorbed as much love as she could, and that's how she survive without sufficient sunshine and food. I feel in love with her, too, after the exploration of her own private tactic to manage her life and the lives of her men. And the word love, is once again proved to be not sophisticated at all - it's an event consisted with words and action where everyone follows similar fashion.

Pig L, right?
Monday, May 30, 2005
  The commensals
One pair I know is Stomaphis sinisalicis and ants.
It's very confusing why these ants want to protect the sinisalicis from the harshness of nature and get through stages of evolution. It's strange how the ants are willing to give help without receiving benefits?

I'll do some research and come up with some ideas later if I don't get bored about this question later :)
Sunday, May 29, 2005
  Worlds apart
A whole night, Radiohead, Bjork and Garbage, to accomplish the project of displacement. My far away but so close world has fallen apart. The past one, though still exists now, will be disappear soon. I've uploaded most of its content in this blog. There are reviews, academic writing and private content yet to upload. Reading the past entries, over a hundred of them, I've been well experiencing a lot during the time of writing blog. I've been writing poems, and stopped writing love poems; translating poems, and explaining Chinese Buddhist scripts; went to London film festival, and stewarded in student cinema; theoratically adopted feminism, but practically failed to be an independent person; being vegetarian for about 5 months, and meanwhile reduced the intake of alchol to minimal minimal; fancied Ewan McGregor, read the Buddha, admired Foucault, studied Adorno, and revised Marx; meditating, philosophing, arguing, solacing; skepticised, suspected, depressed, agonised; spending a lot of money, then went on a budget; and loved. There are many stories and feeling hidden behind the words that I can still tell what they were and how I felt at that time. Sometimes, even the music I listened to, the weather outside the window, and the smell of the room at that moment was vivid. Most of them are sad, or only with little hope. Peter the other day said to me that normally people write a lot when they are angry or sad. I am, most of the time, a both angry and sad young woman. And it's true I wrote particular lot at times. But it's sunny today. The morning sky looked not so glaring for a while, when I could stare at it and depict the movement of the cloud. There was only one piece of cloud on the piece of sky I could see. Now it is broken into parts. But it's a sunny day, although not neccessarily a brand new day. The world around me is a familiar one, not totally used to accept new events. Any tiny new reception will hurt the already twisted centre of this world. But it's a sunny day. And there will be a sunny tomorrow, perhaps. Maybe in Australia, it's even sunnier.

It's gonna be so sunny that I will feel sad to be sad, so maybe I will just wait and see how my worlds fall apart, and I guess the broken pieces might as well be very pretty.
  UPLOADING - General 7. (Finale)
TITLE: some thoughts on Greenaway
DATE: 12/10/2004 10:22:19 下午

Writing about word to image from IniN's blog

前几天刚看了PETER GREENAWAY的the cook, the thief, his wife and her lover. 今天又跟导师讨论了一番Frankfurt School.我想,如果你对ADORNO或者BENJAMINE的美学批评理论有所了解的话,应该是会有助于对GREENAWAY的理解的.

Frankfurt School对电影的主要批评在于电影这个媒介从它的出生开始,就不是传统美学所理解的艺术. 而是被广泛的运用与政治宣传. 这也是由电影的性质所决定的. 从生产上来说,电影是可以批量生产的,并且一部电影需要由一组人而不是一个个体(INDIVIDUAL)来完成. 从发布来说,电影是批量发布的,它可以以同样的(没有任何变化的)姿态同时出现在成千上万家电影院的观众面前.

程序上来说,PETER GREENAWAY的电影与别的电影并没有太不同. 但是电影只所以会成为政治宣传工具还是因为它往往是以一种复现真实世界的形态出现, 特别是在电影发明之初, 人们甚至都会被电影里开过的火车吓跑.虽然如今这种情形也许不会那么极端,但是电影由于它的逼真性使大多数人相信那里面发生的就是事实.而虽然很多时候被虚拟化,人们依然希望从电影里找到生活,并进一步相信电影里所诉说的关于美好生活的观点. 这样的观众自然会觉得GREENAWAY不知所云. GREENAWAY一向认为英国传统的DOCUMENTRY或者是REALIST FILMS, 都是PSUEDO-DOCUMENTRY. 其实也是像盲人摸象一样,一具躯体的感官,再加上由这副感官所控制的仪器们,要说出一个完整的故事,既然这个故事完整了,那么必然要剪掉很多不符合故事逻辑的地方.然而就是这样一个片面的故事,却要让人们相信它是真的,它真的代表生活.

GREENAWAY就不会这样. 我倒是不记得PILLOW BOOK怎样了,但是就我最近看的两个: the draughtsman's contract, the cook..他非常喜欢在电影中穿插一些把你从情节上引开的元素,比如目睹一切发生却不参与情节发展的活人雕塑,又比如闯入性爱镜头取厨具的厨子, 等等. 我觉得这些很大程度上是用来告诉观众: 你们现在看的不是真正发生的事情, 是一个虚拟的境界. 如FRANKFURT SCHOOL所认为的, 所谓的UTOPIA不存在在现实世界中,而艺术家所致力于的,正是创造出一个在现实生活中不能达到的境界. 对现实的批评,同样的,在艺术来说,也不应该立足于一个本身就很弱,偏颇的体制上,而是应该再创造出一个境界来. GREENAWAY自己也说了: let's try to tell the truth within fiction (always acknowledge as fiction). 这样说来, GREENAWAY的电影,就不再是传统意义上的电影,而是以电影作为媒介的艺术品了. 也无怪乎他要说"电影已死",我倒觉得这种死法还是满乐观的定论.

回过头来再想想PILLOW BOOK. <源氏物语>大概是最早的叙事性小说了, 而GREENAWAY又是如此一位反叙事的导演, 他想通过这电影说的事理自然会很精彩. 真正的观感也只有等再看一遍才能写出来了.

其实我也还在消化今天所谈论所想的事情, 写下来只是为了整理一下自己的知识. 如果你也能从我所想的中找到些许有用的东西,我自然是高兴.

TITLE: K — a magical journey
DATE: 12/07/2004 05:39:13 上午

When I raised my long-buried head out of the book, the train went on moving. Slices of sunshine poured down through layers and layers of clouds, those typical English clouds. When the caesious grass and the lonely trees and the still houses flashed across my eyes, at that moment I wasn't real. I was in that unearthly exotic place that I weaved long time ago. It's like the world in Kyslovski's magic glass ball, it's not about a degree, a night out, a kitchen full of unwashed dishes; it's only a motioning picture, a picture caters all the curiosities. Time tamely goes back to years ago, when I first came here, for that very moment. The picture of a peaceful English summer is still vivid: a dog, afternoon shower, the rainbow in the sky, a garden full of flowers…

Although stereotypes of a certain country is not at all what k is about, all the travellers, including the hero Julian, have these illusions, unevitably. Like the world seen in the glass ball, concentrated, brightened, but unfortunately reflectionally up-side-down.

Hong Ying 's writing is very passionate. It is hard to escape from the mysterious net she weaved to tramp you down to the bottom of the plots. Especially those inserted sights of landscapes and cities, too lively to escape from. Beijing has always been like that: deep blue sky, sunshiny winter, light grey roads, light brown trees, those pine trees are always as still as bonsais… my memory for Beijing has never stayed in spring, and not charateristically in summer, but only in autumn, especially the late autumn, when it was not as cold as winter but bright as.

It was in Beijing, that Julian and Lin started their affair sexually. Beijing is no doubt the most characteristic city in China, and winter in Beijing is thirsty and freezing, perfect for making love. It is quite an attempt, though, to interpret the 'fang zhong shu' (the ancient Chinese sex techniques and theories) as a feminism approach. I m not quite convinced that Lin is a free spirit in that case. She's after all, a sex slave protrated herself to some inequal love affair. Nevertheless, I really like the alternative reading of the classic work. The theories are at one time very convincingly feminism. It is the plots that give it a psuedo flavour.

Another interesting part of the novel is the scenes in the opium house. I was in the train, listening to coming up (suede 1997) while reading. The quiver of the train movement, the music effect made by then drug addicted Brett Anderson, interwove the premise for my irregular heart-throb when reading that paragraph of opium taking. It was as simulating as the love scenes. Is it because she made it paralell to sex that some equivalent effect happened? Or can it be that human bodies, at least some of the bodies, are naturally exposed to drug addiction, as if they naturally take sex as a joy moment?

Now I really want to read the English version.

TITLE: Chester
DATE: 12/05/2004 02:06:51 下午

Maybe it's Chester, who makes the sun shines bright today. He was still sleeping when I started to write this entry. But now he's sitting right beside me, watching me typing

*Chester *brings along the love from Lulu, and Felix
Together with my outcome of yesterday's retail therapy
my just tidied up lonely room looks lively now

TITLE: Another translation for Hongying's poem
DATE: 12/01/2004 04:11:43 上午

which lies behind her new novel 'the green platye'


摘自 虹影 《绿袖子》

In what way
that I can see
My future,
beside the shade of
the map or,
When you touched me softly with
your finger on
my painful skin

It exceeds the fragrance of
the best sex I had,
with you
Only compares to

the joy left from
the last twinkling of
the light

I like the last line best… can't translate it at all…. the previous version is in one of my old entry

AUTHOR: Lu YangEMAIL: URL: 12/02/2004 05:17:28 下午

My future is marked in the folding lines of the map
your fingers slightly touch above.
My sorrow slices my heart with every glimpse I steal.

The joy rests not in the sweetness of lust,
But in the last twinkle of light, between us,
It slid by, taking with it my all

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 12/02/2004 09:17:56 下午

I like the 'my sorrow slices my heart with every glimpse I steal' line…

hmmm… is it possible to keep the '之途', which means 'on the way', 'on the journey' in English??

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Lu YangEMAIL: URL: 12/03/2004 01:45:29 下午 You are gonna have to explain the source text to me first :D Caz I have no idea how to put it in simple, prosaic Chinese----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Red ChanEMAIL: URL: DATE: 12/04/2004 08:27:10 下午

Let me give it a go:

How can I see?
My future, in that folding line
of the map
Your finger, tenderly
Touched my sorrow

More fragrant than sex, feels like the first time
Between you and me
As if, in that last moment, the light slips
down that path of redundant pleasure

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 12/04/2004 09:42:38 下午 i like the word slip!

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Lu YangEMAIL: URL: 12/04/2004 09:50:17 下午 I like the fact that you translated the contrast (first time – last moment), because I think it's one of the most poetic moves in the original text. But it's a hard one to translate. Maybe we could work it out together?

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Red ChanEMAIL: URL: DATE: 12/04/2004 10:15:15 下午

My headache is getting the better of me, not inspired at all.

Seems to me you two take more liberty in rewriting the poem than I've allowed myself.

At the end of the day poetry translation is very personal. It's the product of the translator's mood and state of mind of a particular time.

If I revisit this poem tomorrow I probably would come up with a completely different version.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 12/05/2004 01:48:19 上午

I think I should share you two the book.
Having read bits of k , I think the Green Platye is written in a more prosaic language…
It is more… tricky… maybe I should have said inductive… and sensitive… since she's wiser in Chinese writing, it becomes more difficult to translate

and more importantly, our dearest, nicest Red Chan: would you please introduce us more of the modern Chinese literature, please! … since you have THAT many books! Within them I could recogonise some famous titles and names, some I have read but not really understood, some i only heard of and never got the chance to read… Can we possible share a bit of your treasures????

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Red ChanEMAIL: URL: DATE: 12/05/2004 10:39:43 上午

I'll be happy to lend you my books – as long as you promise to take very good care of them and return them afterwards. A pity that I'm very busy all the time, otherwise I'll start a reading group of Chinese literature.

I love talking about books and writers (can't stop once I start), one of my favourite pastimes is to discuss with friends a particular book (or film) in detail. You can find a whole new world in sharing views of the same text!

I'm running half of an MA module in hybrid identities next term and I've invited the translator of K to give us a talk. You should come! I'll also try to invite Hong Ying, if she's around I'm sure she'll say yes.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 12/05/2004 01:02:27 下午 Thank you so much Red!

---- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Guohui ZhangEMAIL: URL: 01/03/2005 03:04:01 下午 Having read the orignal twice, I could still not figure out 'so what?' What does the original really mean, what did she want to express. I would say that it is just a random thought. Without any pop-out understanding at all, I won't translate.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/23/2005 12:55:06 下午 I think this is a poem about sex and love. The first part is about having sex. and the second part about the love. '地图上的折叠之处' and '伤心处', to my understanding, are all metaphors to woman's sex organ.

TITLE: Friday, I m not in love
DATE: 11/12/2004 01:26:19 下午

But it's always happy to have a fully scheduled weekend.
Happy birthday to Lou!

Chairman Mao's spirit never dies!

Friday's not that great after all. The cure never cured anyone!

TITLE: The black maze
DATE: 11/11/2004 07:49:31 下午

What a pound can bring to you? What kind of adventrue would possibly take place in a three square metres van?
Well, the black maze

is a good potential.
Exactly as the door man told us, it's a journey where you can always find a way out even when you think it's a dead corner. This is a journey about 5 minutes walking in the dark. Where you can only feel the way with your hands and feet and your trust/responsibility to your partner, who's the only person with you in there. Very encouraging overall.
If you feel like being in a dead corner in your life, where hardly a decision can be made, try the black maze! There are ways leading you out of the death even you have lost your sight. :)
Reminds me of our journey to Compton Verney actually. That was where we walked a mile to find a bus stop from, and spent another two hours waiting for a bus to a more earthly town. The beautiful landscape and warm hearted local people had really distracted us from being despair when we felt we were probably lost.
Anyway, that's it for today, I m too tired and need some sleep

TITLE: The Last Love Poem/ The Time Spent on the River
DATE: 11/11/2004 02:39:54 上午
These two works I present here, though in different forms and done in different times, are generally set in same mood and theme. Both of them were originally written in Chinese. And I have only done the translations till tonight. The English version must be quite lame, but hopefully dynamic. Although both of them are about quite private issues, it is still nice to have people commenting the translations (if possible). Plus I owed the translation of the latter prose for a friend, by putting it in public, I hope he can read it one day :)


The Last Love Poem

Sitting near the meridian
I can see the time on the phone
just arrived
Wandering in this minute
there comes a new day for the world
when someone
wants to race with the time
satisfying the curiosity in
the 5th time zone
when some other one
wants to chase the time back
reaching the west to the dateline
to save the 40 minutes distance
for another twelve hours
This is my love poem for you
maybe for the last time
then all the claustrophobia
will turn sour in the atalantic
surrounding by the minerals
and ablated






The Time Spent on the River
He unfolded his memory on this day, when he recalled walking along the riverside with her. The vast, and dirty river, the muddy footpath along the riverside, the noisy cargo boats which disturbed the dead silence of the river surface, and the old men past them with frequent glances back on such strange couple time by time, consist a vivid picture on his mind. So vivid it is that seems like a dream he had last night.

And she passed the river once again today, where there were bunches of lovers walking along, surprisingly. They were walking on the expensive white-jade-paved path, taking along either their pets or kids with them. Sometimes the neat dressed kids and the lovely dogs were playing with the water in the newly built fountain yard. There were couples of lovers coming only with each other as well, who were sitting together on the chaise longues put on the sand by the river only till recently. While enjoying the breeze, two cups of first picking of green tea are awaited there already. She realized a sailing boat shaped building had taken place of the pavilion where there used to be a lot of aged people dancing and playing chess. The footpath its own, is three times wider than before. The teenagers were flying kites with their parents? guidance. Under the sky where all those colorful kites fly, the river no longer stinks. There she could feel the tidy and merry atmosphere blowing on her face.

She recalled the grey winter afternoon then, when they started a close embrace by the riverside. A long lasting and tiring embrace. Therefore they mutually decided to stop and drink some water. It was only after a long distance walked along the long pavilion had they found a corner shop for bottled water. She bought him a pack of local rice cake beside. He didn?t like the taste. He told her it was too sweet.

It?s true. At the moment, she can feel the vividness of the memory as well.
It seems only because they walked there in a wrong time, that had predicted their impassionate ended love.

TITLE: Solace for pain
DATE: 11/10/2004 06:05:07 上午

When the swallows has flown
And the night is getting cold
Turn away from hopelessness
There'll be solace for your pain

—-The Gentle Waves, 'Solace for Pain'
Like the songs sung in the Churches, it releases me a bit from the unreasonable pain I have been undergoing.

Thinking of the ways to ease the pain apart from getting help from friends and being extreme escapicism, I come up with the following:

I think I m paranoid, sometimes. It's a treat to indulge myself that way sometimes. But after all I need to find my track back and see more interesting things in life before I die accidently. Shoulda make effort to fulfill my life journey. And God will love me so much ;)

AUTHOR: Jordan GrayEMAIL: URL: 11/10/2004 06:53:04 上午

Excellent suggestions. I can attest to the value of your comment about music especially; I've found that whatever I'm feeling, music can change or amplify it like nothing else. If I'm feeling sad, I can cope – but if I start thinking of something like, say, 'Smile (though your heart is breaking)' by Chaplin, I'll easily burst into tears! Similarly, an American woman I knew actually banned herself from listening to music whenever she felt the least bit sad, because it influenced her so deeply that she couldn't trust herself to listen to it.

lol, and I'll bet he does. Good luck, be happy.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: ?EMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 11/10/2004 08:22:24 上午 why o why are u up do damn early?

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Jordan GrayEMAIL: URL: 11/10/2004 08:44:25 上午

Why oh why not? It's actually a pretty nice day today.

OK, I 'fess up, I couldn't sleep. Don't know about Zou!

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 11/10/2004 12:08:30 下午

Actually I forgot an important one: swimming, the best way of releasing! The Sport centre is so cruel to have closed that early at night everyday, otherwise I would really like to go swimming in many of the nights that I was upset.

Yeh, I couldn't sleep. Sometimes it's easy for the easy-sleeper, saying 'tomorrow is another day'. Tougher game for the night owls to play against the pain :) Tomorrow's never gonna come if you don't sleep. Nevertheless, I was up that late for good reasons, I was reading canterbury tales! yey! Time's so limited, I need to squeeze it to fulfill my ambitions :)

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Jordan GrayEMAIL: URL: 11/16/2004 03:26:05 上午

Ooh, another night owl! More people who's minds won't let them sleep. I'm glad to add you to my list, Zou.

Swimming is amazing. I can't actually swim properly – I can't get my head under the water properly. However, I can float and play and swish and do some of the easier strokes, and I always come out feeling refreshed and relaxed, and a lot happier than I was when I went in. Sometimes the anticipation of a swim is enough, it's just such a great thing to do!

The Canterbury Tales, I will leave them for another night.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 11/16/2004 12:05:04 下午 haha, I ve left the canterbury tales already… got too much works to do… which means all-nights are coming up
If there are enough night owls on campus, maybe it's the best time to establish an official society for ppl like us :D think about it: the night owls society! then there will always be some solace for the loneliness at night…. at least knowing there are bunches of ppl like us:D
and Jordan, I've read some entries in your blog, I love your perspective of seeing things… I felt echoed in some ways… but not as extreme…psychological therapy might be good for you to live a normal life, get melted in the earthly society, but I have always stubbornly believed that it's a destruction to your brain and you being the unique creature. I had a slightly mental problem in 2003, n I worked it out myself quite well. It becomes an important experience in my life. well… anyway, i mean, I like your writing, and so as this friend of mine. He actually told me that he felt exactly the same in many ways you feel.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Jordan GrayEMAIL: URL: 11/24/2004 12:15:30 下午

Hey, I think you might be on to something! Us night owls need somewhere to feel at home. Naturally meetings would be held from ten in the evening, though that might be uncomfortably early for some of our membership. Hot chocolate would be the big order of the day.

I'm convinced that therapy is the way to go – a disorder might be individual, but as with all unwanted characteristics, if you can subjugate it, why not go for it? I don't know why, but I feel sort of… happy, knowing that people read what I say and see themselves reflected in it. It reinforces my hope that I'm not totally isolated, I'm not cut off.

If you're looking for some good reading, I'm starting on some Blake. Reading his poems of Innocence and Experience together, they sort of merge without cancelling each other out, so you get a beautiful mingling of the childish optimism and bitter scepticism, each tempering the extremes of the other. So you can read it without feeling totally depressed or unbearably hippy!

TITLE: The beauty of mystery.
DATE: 10/20/2004 12:33:43 上午

'Biological, I don't know why I feel this way with you. Biological, I want you to be perfect.' Air's dizzy music.

Old familiar dizzy Air, but still mysterious. It's the dizzy touch gives the music the mystery as well as the blurry English, though the lyrics examines the 'flesh around your bones' and 'your DNA' one after another.

'In the dream, we are in green; awaken from the dream, we're still in green. People see us in black illusions, whereas they are not aware it's achromatopsia'— Preface. The Green Platye. Hong Ying. 2004
I m always puzzled by the literature attracts me. When I start reading many novels I read 5 years or 10 years ago all over again, I start wondering how could I fancy such works that much at that age. I can't understand most of them even now. Was it others' recommendation really had great impact on my young unconcious mind? Or was it the beauty of mystery being seductive?

The situation is exactly the same at that time as when I don't understand Air's intention on writing a song about a precise science subject with such dizzy tone at this moment.Same puzzles occur in my mind toward Hong Ying's preface as well: why they are in green? Why such colour is invisible to other people? Why I am so moved in such mystery of words? There must be some delicateness among the structure of the language. How could it fondle my sense otherwise? There must be a dainty feel that is shared between the author and I. I can hold it in my mind temporarily, but I can't reach the language to note it down. It will fade. Fading like the way I m losing my point at this very moment.

It can be the sympathy for love. The sensation shared between people is love. The sensation that would touch deeply in others' minds, is sympathy for love. The touch brings an urge to cry. It is a fist that knocking your mind repeatedly.

It is the sympathy of love. I know it's a love story, at least there is love in the story. The love is not shown, the love is shared by two lonely souls. Three or more perhaps, but not changing the fact of loneliness. This love blinds my eyes. This blindness leads me only to the beauty of mystery among the language. Mystery is a sense of blue. The sympathy shared by the author and me to the love is also the calling from my mind to be sympathised.

_'In what way
that I can see
My future,
the shade of the map
When you touch me softly
with your finger
on my painful skin

It exceeds the fragrance of sex,
like the best
Between you and me
Like the joy of the last moment
Left from
the journey of lights' sliding'_

—————— back page poem on The Green Platye

TITLE: It seems blue period is really a BLUE period
DATE: 10/19/2004 12:41:51 下午

Since its beginning this month, nothing seems going to the right way.

It seems I have made a lot of wrong decisions during this period
Choose not to talk to people is a major one. What am I feared of, if these are the major things make me blue?

TITLE: the confusion caused by NAMES
DATE: 10/15/2004 12:54:07 上午

Writing about Little story about my name from Exploring~~~

i seldom meet people share same name with me
and I m always wondering what it feels like…
do you know the japanese movie called 'love letter'
the name shared by the hero and heroine is actually the primer of the romantic relation
for the case of my name, it confuses people in other ways
peng is a guys' name in Chinese
I remember in the first few years in our teenage, the parents always worried about their kids get too much involved in heterosexual friendships. So, many of my girlfriends became victims of my name. None of the parents believe Peng is a girl until they saw me in person.
It is also embarrancing, when someone mentioned to me at our first meetings that they knew some fat silly guys have the exactly same name to me :/
Anyway, years go by, I become more like my name than I expect. Peng, the biggest bird in the Chinese myth, can fly to the edge of the world. Now I am in another side of the world indeed. But more importantly, I can encounter many masculine characteristics in my personality, which are good in some aspect and bad in the others.
Maybe it's true, your name decide your fate. Or fate have far decided your name before your parents have it in their mind.
Reminds me of the famous sci-fi about name that I can't remember the title…

AUTHOR: Matthew FelgateEMAIL: URL: 10/18/2004 04:48:23 下午 I like your name, Miss Peng :D

TITLE: A song for Ewan McGregor
DATE: 10/14/2004 07:40:43 上午

Follow-up to I love Ewan McGregor from Far Away, So Close...

1# Crush by Garbage

I would die for you,
I would die for you,
I've been dying just to feel you by my side,
To know that you're mine.

I will cry for you,
I will cry for you,
I will wash away your pain with all my tears,
And drown your fear.

Ah ah, ah ah ah,
Ah ah, ah ah ah,
Ah ah, ah ah.

I will pray for you,
I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul for something pure and true,
Someone like you.

See your face every place that I walk in,
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking,
You will believe in me,
And I will never be ignored.

I will burn for you,
Feel pain for you,
I would twist the knife and bleed my aching heart,
And tear it apart.

I would lie for you,
Beg and steal for you,
I would crawl on hands and knees until you see,
Your just like me.

Violate all the love that I'm missing,
Throw away all the pain that I'm living,
You will believe in me,
And I can never be ignored…

I would die for you,
I would kill for you,
I will steal for you,
I'd do time for you,
I will await for you,
I'd make room for you,
I'd sail ships for you,
To be close to you,
To be a part of you,
As I believe in you,
I believe in you,
I would die for you…

_ * and for all the ones I had crush on…. _

TITLE: I love Ewan McGregorS
GeneralDATE: 10/14/2004 06:31:23 上午

Although I hate writing a review on Trainspotting at 6 oclock in the morning after an allnighter writing.
I love Ewan McGregor! He's no doubt the hottest man in the world!

The only thing cheers me up at such a harsh time of a day is thinking of a sexy man!

AUTHOR: Red ChanEMAIL: URL: DATE: 10/16/2004 10:44:18 下午

Hi Zou Peng, I enjoy reading your blog very much!

Just a quick message to say that tomorrow's (Sunday) Independent has an interview of E. McGregor, make sure you get a copy!

TITLE: And I ve done all the ten of them today
DATE: 10/13/2004 11:32:42 下午

Follow-up to Ten things I m obsessed on from Far Away, So Close...

What a day!

TITLE: Ten things I m obsessed on
DATE: 10/13/2004 09:50:27 下午

1. Sweet snacks. e.g candies, chewing gums, fruity gums, fruit esp. plumps, biscuit etc. when I m sad, upset, anxious, depressed and writing essays.
2. Rich tea biscuit with Mocha. My new obsession. i can't stop taking them when I try to concerntrate writing essay, writing blog, writing anything as well as when I m watching a video. Oh yeh, when I have the period pain, and also after any meal.
3. windows games and msn games. Before get down to write essays.
4. Any poker games, any time any network… any mood I meant
5. Meat. After eating sweet things, I always want some meat, otherwise I would die. A day without a meal with meat would be incrediably awful, and impossible to sleep that night.
6. * (keep it private) anytime
7. (keep it private) anytime again, but esp. before writing an essay or doing some serious business
8. cry (when there isn't anything sad for)
9. checking if there's anyone in msn blocking me or deleting with various means of detectors. (I used to be obsessed with msn chatting for a time)
10. Day dreaming. Anytime, but esp. when I m a boring lecture, a long car journey, walking alone, waitressing/stewarding etc.

I think I m obsessive, but not typically obsessive.

Adorno glooms the Sunday; Monday morning I danced alone with a spotless mind.
DATE: 10/11/2004 02:26:55 上午

Ok, here I found some picture of this man called Theodor Adorno. I firmly believe that he's notorious. Today I spent a whole afternoon working on his nasty theory of cultural industry, again. What a headache! Why educated people get as sophisticated as he is?! Hundred pages of unreadable scripts written with the purpose of telling people they are stupid. I feel stupid, it's really hard to understand what he tries to say! But he's damn right for some reason, people do appreciate their culture packed as products so that it can be easily digested, even nowadays. I had thought that it would be damn difficult to cater the audience when I first thought of getting involved in the media. But shouldn't it be me undermining the most out of my brian so that both me and my readers would profit on the level of intelligence. Yeh, Adorno, though boasting there on the papers of his taste of art, had not been phony. He's just a sad old, and ridiculous old man. I decide to leave him alone now.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

——Alexander Pope

That, actually I heard first in External Sunshine on the Spotless Mind. I don't care about what surrealism or cult film it has to be. I think it's kinda romantic. I could hear my own voices there when the lovers tried to draw back the memories. I could hear myself screaming: DO NOT DISAPPEAR! And the memories of them kinda echoed in my mind, reminded me of some stories. I m sorry if this unfortunately proved Adorno's theory of popular culture. I sincerely hope that I m not on his list of MASS, though it's very possible cos I haven't finished reading his work, it's still a mystery.

And that's why I kept silence all the way home, not even saying goodbye to those work fellas. By that I didn't mean Adorno's theory of who's stupid, it's just the film.

So I danced and danced. Try to dance out the melancholy. And my anonymous lovesick. Then I danced, on the silent floor of the flat, staring at my own silhouette from the window before all the darkness outside.

And now, I m happy.

AUTHOR: Robert O'TooleEMAIL: URL: 10/11/2004 08:08:05 上午 That's a scarey picture. Adorno looks like a James Bond baddie.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 10/11/2004 10:53:24 上午 NONO, Dr. Evil in Austin Power.
Adorno's definitely a spy sent by the sovient union.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Jing WangEMAIL: URL: 10/11/2004 01:14:57 下午 I have to admit that u r a star. I found that the more I know u the more I like u, your thoughts, the way u think. Much in your article is just exactly what I'm thinking about and want to say, but, I can hardly express them out.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Jing WangEMAIL: URL: 10/11/2004 01:21:46 下午 and what's more, I keep seeking help from the dictionary (jin shan ci ba) when reading your article~~----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 10/11/2004 06:50:09 下午 haha, I m using that while writing~
so, good match~

10/09/2004 02:45:04 下午

2:30 PM, Saturday morning.

* Bright sunny day.

TITLE: 60s, me alone with the flat, and Kill Bill II
DATE: 10/09/2004 03:20:40 上午

Kill Bill II first. As a DVD, it has been ignored for a long while. I even bought two same copies of Kill Bill II cos I didn't remember I'd bought it. But I have always believed that the Kill Bills are better in cinema. The music and the actions are better with louder echoed stereos and big screen. Oh I love cinema! I m so glad I worked for the cinema tonight, though just some simple jobs, I feel honoured :)

So, Kill Bill II. As Ruth told us, feminism. Women win! Hoooorray! It's so optimistic and positive that live or die seems mostly totally in control. Hmmm, inspiring! Also as a Chinese audience, I didn't find many part of the film as funny as the Britons found. Like the five step technique thing, it's so common in an authentic Chinese kungfu film. And Kill Bill is more an authentic Chinese kungfu film than Croaching Tiger Hiden Dragon, though mixed with many other cultures.

Ok, then the bad side of tonight. Me being alone in a 12 room flat for about 3 hours. How sad, Friday night, no visitor, no going out. And damn me, I played the warm and love mania 60s summer love album. So it was, for a time, miserable night for me.

* Why shouldn't we be lazy?*

STATUS: PublishALLOW COMMENTS: 1CONVERT BREAKS: 0ALLOW PINGS: 0CATEGORY: ZP V. AcademicDATE: 10/07/2004 12:03:31 上午-----BODY:Just finished my reading for cultural studies. According to Theodor Adorno's 'culture industry' theory, the sin of capitalists is they enable people to be lazy when they undertaking leisure activities. Why shouldn't people relax a little after all the suppression on them in the big society? Not once I have read from philosophers that the majority of people live under social institutions after social institutions. Every step we take after considerations is unfortunately in subordinance with the overt governess of politics, or the pleasure of the minority, or some unreasonable aims… say…money etc. Then Adorno says even the art you appreciate, the culture activities you take, are all rubbish that the institutions and the capitalism system produce to make you more stupid. Then why bother to think anymore? If life's only slavery to all means of systems, why not consider the best rebel? Lie on the bed, and starve, and if there is a god or something supreme, he/she/it would definitely hate you. Why not be a headache to the system? Why bother to work, to have fun to whatsoever?!
Sometimes I m pretty confused by the theorists I've read. Most of them are trying to push us towards the despair of life. Maybe we are just the laughter of someone else. Those who are smarter, super-powerful, they see us in some crystal ball, and laugh at us that we chase the social status, we appreciate what so-called art. Huh, sad to think about that myself have always being some crown.
But never mind tomorrow is another day. These thoughts today would be only like the water under the bridge, it goes sooner than it comes. Tomorrow in the seminar I would say, yeh, Adonor's partly right on what we call culture nowadays, but there're some points to argue as well? That's the way it is.

AUTHOR: Lu YangEMAIL: URL: 10/07/2004 01:18:06 上午 sometimes the critics seem sad to me: it's almost like they see no good in anything. they find this scape-goat that couldn't escape, grab it by the legs and start scrutinizing every flee on its back. Adorno and H-whatever-his-name-is went a bit too far with that indeed. although it is true that we are sinking in the vast sea of cultural junk, but it's just not as bad… or at least i would like to think so… for the time being…

TITLE: Shining with the Moonlight
DATE: 10/03/2004 01:16:26 上午

With the coming and going of the Mid-Autumn Day, also called Moon Festival, I have been sleeping with moonlight for about a week. Have absorbed too much moonlight, I become pale as the vampires. The spidernet settled on my window reinforces my idea of being a creature of dark power. Locating in a castle of darkness can be a good reason for leaving the room as a mess. Look at the picture, I m facinating. Webcam is the magic mirror that hides most of the flaws on the face. With the help of the magic mirror and my improved making up skills, I look absolutely another person in that picture. Isn't it like a lie? A lie that links me to a strange kingdom with my mysterious new personality.

AUTHOR: Westley WalkerEMAIL: URL: 10/03/2004 01:26:15 上午 i like you already…

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Elizabeth HarrisonEMAIL: URL: 10/04/2004 12:05:44 下午 Hi Peng,
I like your excuse for leaving the room untidy – I'll remember that one! I don't think the picture is so unlike you – don't be too hard on yourself… I'm glad you're finding blogging fun – it really is a good way to try out new expressions / ideas / personalities. Just remember that you CAN keep them private too if you like!

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Meng FuEMAIL: URL: 10/07/2004 01:00:33 下午 I like ur blog!!! The photo of u and the article u write SOOOO COOL!

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Lu YangEMAIL: URL: 10/09/2004 04:43:44 下午 one could never have guessed you were a lil cute shortie from that pic :p
  UPLOADING - General 6.
TITLE: 成语的典故
DATE: 01/02/2005 11:18:40 上午
[idiom;set phrase] 汉语词汇中特有的一种长期相沿习用的固定短语。来自于古代经典或著名著作历史故事和人们的口头,意思精辟,往往隐含于字面意义之中,不是其构成成分意义的简单相加,具有意义的整体性。它结构紧密,一般不能任意变动词序,抽换或增减其中的成分,具有结构的凝固性。其形式以四字格居多,也有少量三字格和多字格的 —金山词霸

当下把金山词霸引用为权威解释,实际上是偷懒的不负责任的. 金山词霸对于电脑写作来说,是很便利的翻译工具,但是若是严谨的学术作文, 对它所提供的词条解释应该要再三斟酌. 有次LULU在和我聊天的时候用了UBER BOUNCY这样的词条, BOUNCY先不说,本来解释就很多,除了做'快活'解释以外,还有'饱满'的意思. 而金山把UBER解释为'乳房', 我顺着这个解释把UBER BOUNCY理解成了乳房涨痛的意思. 结果闹出了不少笑话. UBER是德语词, 常做SUPER解释,这个在URBAN DICTIONARY 上可以找到上百条类似的解释. 而我已经给金山词霸网站去信几个星期,再在他们的网站上查这个词却还是这个解释.效率实在是低. 但相对金山词霸, 网上的那些所谓在线新华字典看上去更不可靠, 金山词霸至少还是有组织有根据地的,实在闹上大笑话一不高兴了还可以告他们公司. 这里也不再咬文嚼字了.

本来正题是'成语的典故'. 那么说说成语. 我的理解是既成的短语. 而很多人认为是, 他们所熟悉的四字习语. 不广为人知的, 比如说'犀柄麈尾', 或者是太广为传用的,不像文学用语的比如'难兄难弟', 再有就是不由四字组成的,比如'千里送鹅毛' 等等,都常被认为不是成语. 若按照金山词霸的解释的话, 成语是种复杂的形式, 用英文来解释要用三个词条'idiom;set phrase' 才行, 除此之外,一般成语都是有出处有典故的. 正好我手头上读的是南朝宋初刘义庆所著的<世说新语>. 全书三百篇左右,全是四字领头的. 很多我们所知的成语都能从中找到典故. 有很多跟我们今天所理解的意思还是有一定出入的.


前面提到过的, 今天大家通常觉得它通俗得配不上当成语. 大概是以它做标题的商业电影电视剧太多的缘故吧. 其中我们这代人最熟悉的一部要属1993年陈可辛监制的<新难兄难弟>了, 演员阵容里大多是今天的天王天后, 比如梁朝伟, 刘嘉玲等. 现在想起来记忆有点模糊? 那你还记不记得那首'tell lola I love her'呢? 还不记得? 刘嘉玲演的LOLA在片中是梁朝伟他妈,被梁家辉搂着跳舞. 记得了么?


陈元方子长文有英才, 与季方子孝先, 各论其父功德, 争之不能决, 咨于太丘. 太丘曰: "元方难为兄, 季方难为弟."

这里的"难兄难弟"读音应该是第二声,说的是元方这样的兄长难得,季方这样的幼弟也难得. 而早在82年就有了泰迪罗宾演的难兄难弟了.再之前有没有别的版本我就追究不到了. 就算是泰迪罗宾,在我脑子里连个印象都没有. 不过恐怕从那个时候起这难就已经是做四声读了. 通常被认为是共同患难的兄弟. 想来峥嵘岁月其实是九十年代, 因为那时候人们热爱浪漫, 很多经典爱情电影都是在九十年代拍成的. 那时候什么样的爱情人们都能想出来. 记忆犹心的有JEREMY IRONS和JULIETTE BINOCHE 1992年演绎的<爱情重伤>(Damage ), 说的是不伦之恋. 而Lars von Trier1996年的经典之作<破浪>(breaking the waves) 里所说的才真是爱情的伤. 还有97年被JEREMY IRONS重拍的LOLITA. 还有<触不到的恋人>, 还有<甜蜜蜜>, 还有<情书>, 都是九十年代的. <新难兄难弟>说的也是刻骨铭心的爱情, 起着兄弟的标题,打着父子的名号, 说的却是上一代人的爱情. 经常有人说港片没有想象力的,靠的都是模仿,我倒是觉得有个时候的港片录象厅里引进一部让人记住一部, <追梦人>如此,<新难兄难弟>也是.记得那时候我们班有一个胖胖的女孩也叫做Lola的, 总是有男生绕着她起舞,边对她唱着:"tell Lola I love her." 她总是勃然大怒一走了之.

我这篇说得有些凌乱, 要看难兄难弟的解释, 其实可以到这个网站跟我说的是一回事.

-----EXTENDED BODY:-----EXCERPT:-----KEYWORDS:------------- AUTHOR: Peng ZouTITLE: 独生子女要学会自我解脱...STATUS: PublishALLOW COMMENTS: 1CONVERT BREAKS: 0ALLOW PINGS: 0CATEGORY: GeneralDATE: 01/01/2005 06:58:58 上午-----BODY:

Writing about web page

开心这件事是自己找的,如果他们(指我爸妈)想不通而不开心,借助外力去帮他们开心,也只不过是一时之快。否则你想,这一回他们不开心,就要我带男朋友回家逗开心;那下一回他们又觉得非要我结婚他们才开心,那我就又要结婚来逗;再下回他们又想要抱孙子,那又要我生小孩逗他们.这一波一波地哄他们,他们倒是开心了,我开不开心呢?表面上好像一切都是为了我的幸福着想,实际上不过是为了逗他们老人开心。人上了年纪就返老还童,像小孩子一样,子女的一生好像成了他们的大玩具。可我希望有自己的生活。子女孝顺是应该的,但开心还是要自己去找。?— TIM网站上的日志

有一天我们就说到了孝顺的问题.他们说要结婚生子,要住在父母附近以有个照应,这般这般.我很彷徨.他们说的,没一样是我想要的,我看不到婚姻中的光明,我也不想留在家附近的地方.古时候的人说最可怕的死法,有一种就是客死他乡.是要做了很多坏事才会得到那样的报应的.我怎么也没觉得太可怕呢? 还有人问我说,你不怕你死的时候只有一个人很孤独么?你说你要养猫,不怕你死了以后只有一只猫爬到你身上把你的脸挖出来吃了么?我不怕.我害怕生病,我不怕猫.我也不怕孤独,孤独好过无尽的纠缠. 我怎么样不是重点,重点是作为独生子女,我们要学会自我解脱.要像一个正常人一样做自己的选择.你觉得婚姻是幸福的归宿,那你就好好结婚,正好也可以满足你父母子孙同堂的心愿. 但父母不是债主, 我们不应该为了报答他们的养育之恩赔上自己的一辈子.
而所摘抄的名为TIM的站主所说的,算是一种正面的, 有力的辩论了.

TITLE: Find out ways you can help…
DATE: 12/29/2004 11:35:52 下午

Writing about web page

Tsunami, it may not only change the lives in south Asia, but also you and me. Every little helps. Let us be helpful, too.

TITLE: 布拉格的魔术师 — Prague of the Magicians
DATE: 12/24/2004 12:58:37 上午

Follow-up to 魔术师的布拉格 from Far Away, So Close...

Below is some impression on Prague, and just worked out the translation, quite a crappy one again… but hey… I think I got the gist of my crappy poem anyway. I have another poem of the series, called 'The Magician of Prague', havent made a translation though. Besides the other poem is a bit more rambling… I need to give it another thought to make more sense out of it before I show it to anyone else. Anyway, here it is, my vision to Prague. — ME


长颈鹿, 大象 ,河马
小猫, 小狗, 猫头鹰



长颈鹿, 大象, 河马
小猫, 小狗, 猫头鹰

烧红酒, 欧式热狗, 打铁肌肉男
木偶, 玻璃, 黑暗中的哑巴剧



Prague of the Magician's

Giraffes, elephants, hippos
Kittens, doggies, owls

Congested, and walked
On the stone paths and bridge
While they worshipped
The great sculptures all along

But the magician is there
Under Charles IV
Just past the bridge

Giraffes, elephants, and hippos
Kittens, doggies and owls
No exit to escape
All but get back to the shape
The medusas wearing cute clothes
Judged by those eyes
Owning four legal wives

Red wine, euro hotdog, and the beef squad smith
Puppet, glass, and black deaf pantomime
Here comes the magician
With a powerful command
Swiftly they disappeared
Without a slightest hint of dust

All but ?
The light on the roof
Brown or green
Those beautician lightening equipments
Brightened the night

Eventually the magician
Picked Prague back to the pack
Nodded and took the bow
With thanks to
All over the world


AUTHOR: Lu YangEMAIL: URL: 12/25/2004 05:28:43 下午 I like the last bit of translation and the poem in original :)

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 12/25/2004 10:19:48 下午 yeh… should reconsider the translation later…
can't be bothered at the moment tho
i m thinking of translating the young poet's work i told you of the other day…
anyway, may need your help later

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Lu YangEMAIL: URL: 12/27/2004 10:10:28 下午 if that's the final version of your poem i should take a day out (of my bed) and try and come up with my own translation of it :D don't throw things on me when i post it here!

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Lu YangEMAIL: URL: 12/27/2004 11:39:15 下午

Owls, hippos,
Elelphants and giraffos
Kittens, as well as
Barky pesos

They strod across
the Charle's Bridge
Appreciating the
Astute statues

Out of nowhere
Appeared the magician
Standing beside
Charles the Fourth

And no escape
For the idling company
No choice but to reveal themselves
In the true shapes they were born

Home brewed red-hot wine
Hot dogs á la Europa
Muscly blacksmiths in the corner
Don't forget there is also
Puppets, glass and
Black light theatres

And suddenly the Prague magician
With a wave of his magic wand
Eludes the wonder all at once

Only leaving the beauty lights
Brown or green
To highligh the roofs of
The mighty edifices

And eventually, the magician
Pickes Prague back into his pack
Smiles, and takes the bow
Sending his gratitude
All over the world

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 12/28/2004 01:39:53 上午 thanx a lot~
but still, i have a few things to point out…
first, i dont like rhymed poems…and I didnt have the intention to rhyme my poem
the second is about the Black light theatre, I called it 黑色哑巴剧 with the intention to bring about some playfulness in the poem… I could translate it to 影子舞台剧 or something else otherwise.
well, about the 白骨精 equivalence… maybe it's better omitte it…
I appreciate your translation… better than mine :)
anyway, it's only a lame poem…but maybe a simple case study for translation :D
haha----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: LuEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 12/28/2004 04:14:31 上午 I know you don't care about the rhyming and I wasn't trying to rhyme. But you have to give it to the rhytm. For what I understood, this poem was meant to be playful, rhythmical, a bit magical and not at all sentimental. Correct me if it's not the case. As to the issues of equivalence, I think it's best to try dymanic equivalence and maybe dig up some English equivalent for them. And pardon my unfaithfulness in translating your poem :) You know I rarely stay faithful

TITLE: Ok, I have a stomache
DATE: 12/11/2004 03:38:59 上午

So i can't sleep, so I went to do this survey about me. But am not cured yet.

  UPLOADING - General 5.
TITLE: Make your vegan food tasty I – Tofu
DATE: 01/19/2005 11:48:11 下午

Good cooking makes you eat more and that helps you to balance your intake of nutritions.

Let's start with the Cauldron tofu you can easily find in Coscutters and Tescos

Sensational Tofu Dish (serves 1)


Cauldron Tofu 250g
Garlic (1 or 2 cloves, depends on how much you like the garliky flavor)
Spring Onion (Optional. I don't normally use it for some reasons, but it would definitely makes your dish sensational)
Red chilli peper (1. Optional. Depends on how much you like hot food)
Some vegetable salad (optional)
Some Lee Kum Kee Chilli Sauce (Preferably the Chilli Bean Sauce, others are also valid for this dish. You can buy it in the Chinese section in costcutter or in the Chinese mobile shop in market place.Other chilli sauces can be used too.)

Soya sauce (dark)
Vegetable oil (some. Sunflower oil is ok too)
Salt (some)


Unpack the Tofu (NB. Save the water in the pack, it will be useful later)
Dice the tofu into small squares
Peel the garlic (tip: press it hard with the side of the blade.)
Slice the garlic
Wash the chilli pepper, cut off the head, and slice it

Start to Cook

Heat the oil in the wok.(Put more than too little but less than burying the buttom of the wok) Wait a few seconds. Put the garlic in, stir it for several times. Put the Tofu in when you can smell the garlic. (Dont burn the Garlic). Stir fry the tofu for a while, put some salt before you can see some of them turn golden. (Don't wait till they all turn golden.) Put the chilli pepper in, and stir. Add the soya sauce. (just a little to make it look brown), stir to balance the colour. Put in the water saved in the pack. Turn down a bit the heat (to the middle power). Stir the tofu. When the water is boiled, put in the chilli sauce. (about three tea spoons). Stir stir stir, till the water nearly dry out. Put on the spring onion. Stir, stir. And SERVE!

NB. Always serve with RICE.

It will be good-looking if you put the vegetable salad on side and top of the dish.

I'll show you some pictures next time I make the dish. But trust me, it tastes damn good.

AUTHOR: Matthew FelgateEMAIL: URL: 01/22/2005 01:46:44 下午 teach me to cook, teach me to cook ! ! !

TITLE: A Dream
DATE: 01/19/2005 08:09:29 下午

Someone I know won a Nobel literature Prize in last night's dream.

AUTHOR: Matthew FelgateEMAIL: URL: 01/22/2005 01:47:12 下午 Please, tell me it wasn't Lulu :p

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/22/2005 03:23:00 下午 no

DATE: 01/18/2005 03:11:38 上午

I think I will never post any comments again
I hate arguement but I couldn't help to get temporally grumpy…....




in destroying every mean of democracy (maybe I mean liberty) media plays a very important, I can even say, crucial role. It is media who is playing the role of establishing a new psuedo-utopia taking the place of religion nowadays. Some religions would provok people to think, but media only help people to draw a more and more simplified picture of the increasingly complicated world. Marx is right, media is the best tool for ruling the world. It horrified me when I saw those comments posted by both the Chinese and Britons about how firmly them believed in the facts their media presents them and opposing each other. If the world is a helpless case, media must be the biggest demon!

AUTHOR: Matthew FelgateEMAIL: URL: 01/22/2005 01:49:29 下午

hey, calm down Miss Penguin!!!

Life is good~

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/22/2005 03:23:54 下午 calm down matt….
my blog is stuffed with your comments now

TITLE: The Funniest Translation EVER
DATE: 01/15/2005 03:05:52 上午

Just saw a Chinese translation for the film Leon, calling it 流氓医生(literally mean the Horny Doctor). Ridiculous

AUTHOR: Guohui ZhangEMAIL: URL: 01/15/2005 08:13:18 下午 I am wondering why it is translated that way… and also ….em….your word 'cheesest'. why….

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/15/2005 09:51:22 下午 hmmm
cheesy seems to be quite different in British English and American English. It's a bit black humourous to use this word.
and I didn't translate the title. I think they translated it that way for the pirated DVD market.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Minxi ZhouEMAIL: URL: 01/17/2005 06:35:20 下午 Yea, the 'translators' in pirate DVDs trade are incredibly HYPER creative…

TITLE: Boar, did you show us the WHOLE fact?
DATE: 01/14/2005 05:21:41 上午

About the recent Janan Ganesh article titled 'Great leap forward?' China, many people have read and responded. However, when I went to the Boar website tried to comment. The editor cut my comment by waist, and changed my screen name 'interpreter' to 'Anonymous'. Well, that is quite strange way of editing website message board. So by hoping all I have written are legal in this country, I'd like to try out putting my comments up here, and see what will happen to it.
May I take this opportunity to show my interpretion to Janan's words:

1. 'Why are we so relaxed about China's ongoing rise to superpower?'

—>'The power China bears is terrifying. Great Bush has listed it into the demon list. Let's not neglect its evil potentiality with all those weapons! Get our own weapons!!'.... and yes, eventually….'Invade China like we did to the Iraqi terroists! Kill the Chinese cos they make us feel insecure!'

Shall I point a mistake you made, Mr. Ganesh? 'Superpower' is not the word you want to use here, it's too netrual, I think you'd better use 'huge satan' or something

2. 'Europe will suddenly find itself amounting to little more than a vulnerable peninsula of a vast authoritarian landmass stretching from Moscow to Beijing'

ah, simple case! —> Europe will be invaded by the Chinese and the Russians! Why would the EU allow the two countries to exist?! Grab your weapon! Destroy them, European citizens!

Yeh, I know, Chinese people are so evil. Then prepare a helmet for yourself tomorrow, Mr.Ganesh, the Chinese students in your university might attack you as well as their country would have attacked Europe.

3. '... the fact that China hasn't had a single national election in its 5,000 year history?'

ha, even easier -> 'Chinese people are uncivilised! Grab your weapons cilvilised ppl! Kill the barbarians!'

Yeh, Chinese women have been discriminated as a possession of men for thousands of years too. Like women all over the world. I think you forgot that point as well.

I don't know if you have a clue about what 'cultural imperialism' is. If people have been living in a single system for thousands of years and are still content of it (the majority), why would you think the alternatives are better ways? Even if the people in such culture want to try out other forms, let them do it out of their will! They don't need any other SUPERPOWERS to intervene their own business, especially by FORCE!


I don't know why the editors and directors of your newspaper hate the Chinese students in the university so much so that you would spare such a big space for someone to whip up the idea of KILLING ALL THE CHINESE BABARIANS? Can you please give me some answer? I don't see it as the freedom of media issue. Aren't the media supposed to have concern on ?educate?, 'inform' and ?entertain?? Do you think the university student should recieve such 'education' as the Chinese are from an evil country and they're our enemies? So that all the university students who read the Boar would rise up and have the university boss to kick out the whole 1000 Chinese population here, is that your initial concern to put up this news comment? Or do you think it's hard facts that you should inform the students that China is evil? Oh, I suppose you only thought it's an entertainment. Entertainment for who? The Chinese students would definitely not take it as an entertainment, nether does the Russians I suppose.
So why? Tell me what aspects are your editors looking for? What kind of effect do you want to make on the students? Don't tell me Janan was only pointing his fingers at the Chinese government. I have looked throught the whole article, not a single word indicated it was the Chinese GOVERNMENT. No! He used CHINA, all the time. For the Chinese, China is where they can find their identity geographically. Are the Chinese people here threaten you at all?

the editor replied me for my second half of the comment to the name of 'Anonymous (2nd year Cultural Studies)' and below is my reply back.

Dear Editor,

Thanx for your reply. I have always appreciated your concern on Chinese students, and been grateful. But I think you've seen all those criticisms on the Janan article. And I bet there are hundreds more going to flood here. It's aparently based on an assumption of 'belated $60m' donation from China without checking the fact. As I have already pointed out, the word used there was CHINA, not Chinese government. China includes the government AND the people, so far as I understand. O, well, English is not my mother tongue, I don't have the say. But that's the feeling most of the Chinese readers get. So what do you think if you post a comment said that the British public donated some 'belated …barely' amount would happen? Would you not hurt the British people's feeling? Will they not be angry?

And just now, I saw how you worked exactly the same as the Chinese media editors I worked with. That's nothing much to complain I know. I just had some stereotypes on the democratic medias/internet.

My first bit of SHOUT, was sentimental I admit, but I don't think it is a taboo to a comment board on internet. I did follow exactly what you have informed me 'Tips Informed, constructive debate is what we're looking for here, as well as your views and opinions. Remember to stay on-topic, avoid repeating what others have said and keep it to the point. Enjoy.'

why can't my understanding (although tends to be extreme, but it was my first impression from the article) to be aired?


AUTHOR: Daniel Wilson CrawEMAIL: URL: 01/14/2005 12:00:05 下午 You've got to excuse Janan. He is but a simple International Relations realist, which means when he talks about China, he means China as a state actor in world affairs. I can see why you take offence at his reference to 'China', but believe me, neither he nor the Boar, has anything against Chinese people.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/14/2005 10:00:03 下午

I can excuse Janan if he was only careless on the word he used. But I can not excuse Warwick Boar's editors. Because they are responsible to make sure whether the word the author uses is correctly. On this occasion, if everything is just as you suggested, they apparently are not quite responsible to their jobs.

If you look up the word China in Oxford Dictionary, I don't think 'the Chinese government' would be the first definition. Uncommon as this definition is used, I wonder how isolated Mr. Janan was from the real world when he wrote such article?

I'm doing a linguistic module at the moment, so please excuse me to believe that language does reflect people's mind, and it CAN influence the whole society.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: ChrisEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/17/2005 01:14:12 下午

Nowhere in Janan's article did he say anything remotely promote the idea that anyone should be "KILLING ALL THE CHINESE BARBARIANS". Nowhere. You have completely misunderstood the piece.

And you have completely misunderstood the use of 'China'. It can easily mean 'Chinese government'. This is common English usage – America can mean the American government or the country, depending on whether you are talking about geography, sociology, or international politics. It seemed obvious to me when reading the article that China referred to China's government. Janan's points were political criticisms of the government.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/23/2005 07:22:43 下午 Dear editor, please explain this usage in Boar and to all the Chinese, otherwise the word China is so easily mean 'China' to all the Chinese students.
P.S Was Janan talking about the Chinese government alone? Did you consider the donation issue as a government-only action? Is the growing of economy a governmental action?
P.P.S Well done the new issue. Mongered even more anxiety between ethnics. I m so glad we had such a peace-loving university press.

TITLE: Being a vegetarian: the Beginner
DATE: 01/14/2005 01:36:19 上午

Don't have much to post though. I have been a vegetarian for two days. If I can forget about some of the occasions that I had took some egg or milk product by mistake, I had pretty much vegan diet for past two days. In case of too much critism against my diet, I decide not to publish my diet in detail from now on. And I'll think of other ways to accomplish this column of the blog ;)

TITLE: Cutting off Chicken Day 7
DATE: 01/11/2005 11:50:49 下午

I have to admit that today is not a very strict day. Let's count what I have eaten from breakfast
well, if there was a breakfast. My cursed alarm on phone didn't work in the morning, so when I opened my eyes, it was already 12. So I decided to add two plums to lunch to compensate my absent breakfast

Lunch: two plums, some noodles with artificial beef powder in the soup
Dinner: vegitarian dumplins (made in EAT), some vegetables… and potato salad… I don't know what kind of potato salad that was, but it tasted like poptato salad with mayonaise….....................................The second time tricked by mayonaise…..................................... how can I not hate it!

Just now: I had two peppers from leon's kebab ;)

TITLE: Cutting off Chicken Day 6
DATE: 01/10/2005 09:18:08 下午

As people suggested, it's not a good idea to go too fast on a diet. And, indeed, vegetarian do eat. And it's true, that physically I m not very well adapted to this diet now. I'm only cutting chicken off after all, why did I make all those fuss even further to garlic and onion? I should give my body some more time. So I change the plan. What I have decide is, for next week, I will have two day off from my meatless diet, i.e. apart from these two days, I won't have any meat in my meals, and within these two days, I can have any meat I want except for chicken and chicken products.
Well, today is my meatless free day for this week :D

Breakfast: Jamcake and a cup of tea
Lunch: Vegan sandwich
Dinner: Potato and Leek soup (contains cream and butter), toasts with turkey ham (I threw them away after the second bite… I don't like them), an orange.

Since I will acompany Leon to do Lulu's hair cut, he will treat me a kebab:D I think I'll order a lamb one :D

My diet seems so far return to a healthy track.
Just had a large lamb kebab, hopefully that would help me catch up with my metabolism ;)

NB. I m neither on a losing weight diet, nor on a keeping health diet. I m doing this because I want to give eating a thought, and to be less greedy. This diet can be considered as my religious diet (see the Buddhist Diet for further information on this sort of diet), though I m a less religious person if consider in the length of time. But I do agree I should really work on to what extend that I should cut down the food I take in so that I can keep on going. Don't take me as any sort of extremist. I just want to take a step back and see the meaning of life.

AUTHOR: Iyobosa AdegheEMAIL: URL: 01/10/2005 11:06:15 下午 Regardless of whether you eat meat or not, you're taking in next to nothing overall; marginally more than 1000 cals I'd imagine. Not sure whether you're trying to lose weight, or simply eat healthily, but you're slowing your metabolism down for sure.

TITLE: Cutting off Chicken Day 5
DATE: 01/09/2005 07:39:32 下午

I can't believe that I have only been through this diet for 4 days, I thought this was the 6th day….

List of the food taken today:
two oranges
some potato salad
a piece of bread
a piece of biscuit

waw… that's all….
I gonna have some more oranges later :D

AUTHOR: Antony HarfieldEMAIL: URL: 01/10/2005 01:13:12 下午 Sounds like a fast to me… Being a vegetarian, you can still eat you know! Have you given up garlic and onion? Cause some Chinese vegetarians don't eat these do they?

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/10/2005 06:24:05 下午 Yeah, I think that's a bit fast too
I've changed my plan now~

TITLE: 妍媸迥殊与东施效颦
DATE: 01/09/2005 04:09:07 上午


妍媸迥殊 (yánchījiǒngshū)
潘岳妙有姿容,好神情。少时挟弹出洛阳道, 妇人遇者,莫不连手工萦之。左太冲绝丑, 亦复效岳游遨,于是群妪齐共乱唾之,委顿而返.


对于潘安的?美?作者是颇费了一番笔墨的。他不仅在文章上做了工夫,说这潘郎?妙有姿容?又有?好神情?,脚注中还要标明著名的?掷果盈车?的故事。 ?掷果盈车?的典故说潘安每次出街都有一堆师奶带着礼物去追随他,走不久他那车上就满是礼物果品了。而?掷果盈车?这个词,翻译成英文,比较通俗一点的就说是?incredibly handsome?。其实哪有那么incredible,现在隔三差五就新出道两个的男明星受的礼遇比他还好很多呢。就连台北市的市长马英九也被大纪元网站称赞做有?掷果盈车?的外貌哩。我想依此类推我们中华人民共和国现任的国家主席胡景涛也可以带上?掷果盈车?这样的帽子了吧,什么普京,布莱尔也应该不在这话题外吧。政治谄媚也不要这么明显么。




AUTHOR: SeanEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/09/2005 07:26:06 下午 Good!

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: LeonEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/09/2005 07:26:28 下午 Very Good!

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: YeahEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/09/2005 07:26:49 下午 Very very good!

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: drumyEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/10/2005 03:38:27 上午 It's great!

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: :) (: :) (:EMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/10/2005 11:11:45 上午 ^^

so is penguina.

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: MMEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/22/2005 04:15:15 下午 世间女子为相貌而愁,男子为权利而挣,是为凡人。

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/22/2005 04:58:32 下午 是社会压迫的说

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: MMEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/25/2005 05:26:41 上午 ?????????

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: MMEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/25/2005 05:27:01 上午 ?????????

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: MMEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/25/2005 05:27:28 上午 ?????????

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: MMEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/25/2005 05:28:18 上午 ????

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: MMEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/25/2005 05:28:51 上午 can't not display chinese?

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: MMEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/25/2005 05:29:21 上午 ??

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: MMEMAIL: IP: URL: DATE: 01/25/2005 05:29:58 上午 surely can't display chinese, c ya

----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/25/2005 09:06:47 上午 :/

TITLE: Cutting off Chicken Day 4
DATE: 01/08/2005 11:40:54 下午

digestive biscuit, multivitamins juice, jacket potato with butter and cheese, vegetable salad, tea, potato salad dressed with onion, olive oil, salt and artificial bacon salad dressing. O, well, that's all I had today. Plus I went to tescos, bought some tesco value bread and 6-pack orange, so there is possibility that I will eat these as well.

Apart from the butter thingie, I have been a vegan today :D I m quite proud of my rapid progress on getting into a Buddhism diet. I have even forgotten there was something once on the earth called chicken that we could eat as food. Well, apart from that I nearly used mayo for potato salad. I liked mayo a lot, so I did struggled with myself about the intrigue that maybe I could forget about the fact yolk is a part of the chicken category. But you know, justice would always defeat the devons :D The diet plan went on very well today. Congrats!!

TITLE: Cutting off Chicken Day 3
DATE: 01/07/2005 04:03:09 下午

By cutting off chicken, I seem to have cut off a lot of other food. Say I only had one or two this wheat biscuit and some multivatamin juice so far. It sounds more like a keeping fit diet to me now, though you know it's not where I departed. But well, so what, multi-tasking, hooray~

I had a breakfast panini at work... it contains eggs.... I didnt know that... I thought I should choose a bigger thingie to eat cos it was my work meal... I thought it was only bacon...I ended up eat 3/4 of it... Anyway, it's very bad…. :/

TITLE: Cutting off Chicken Day 2
DATE: 01/06/2005 08:53:36 下午

Breakfast : an apple

Lunch : Chocolate Milk Shake and Some Biscuit

Tea : A Meatfeast Pizza (meaty but without chicken, yey~)

Supper : Not yet, may not have it, or just end the day with another apple would be fine.

----I had the apple .

--- I was too hungry that my stomach started feeling funny...

Conclusion: Pretty well, another day without eating chicken

TITLE: Cutting off Chicken Day 1
DATE: 01/05/2005 10:19:07 下午

Today is a chicken seduction-free day, except from the fact that Leon wanted to put chicken powder in my stew potato. I sternly refused his offer and succeed in my first day of cutting off chicken.

Why I cut off chicken for the first step:

AUTHOR: Matthew FelgateEMAIL: URL: 01/09/2005 07:54:25 下午

Don't do the diet Pengu: if you get any smaller you may just dissappear altogether!!!!!

I think living on bad food may help to appriciate good food again: "you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye"


----- COMMENT:AUTHOR: Peng ZouEMAIL: URL: 01/09/2005 07:57:21 下午 I'll save my soul… So that literally I won't disappear :D
Sketches: I live, I see, and may I think

May 2005 / June 2005 / July 2005 / December 2005 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 /

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